A Million Pieces of Me

I'm reading Kisses From Katie to my kids right now. It's a book that's simple, easy to read, but profound in a jolt-you-out-of-your-world kind of way. I enjoy reading it to them, but I find myself having to stop and stifle a rolling crying jag every page and a half.  That gets a tad bit annoying to the listener, and it certainly breaks the flow of the story. But if I had a dime for every time I cried inappropriately, I could get tear blocking surgery. More than a few people close to me would appreciate me getting that kind of elective surgery.

But here's the thing. I've avoided this book, although I didn't know too much about it, because I knew it would challenge me in a very uncomfortable way. Sometimes, with dimly lit eyes, I see a pin hole of what I think might be glory. It's a transcendental experience that I can't explain. And I think to myself, "Are you courageous enough to follow the light?" Can you throw off modern comforts, vanity, agenda, and be completely and utterly wrapped up in good? And then the tunnel closes and life resumes as normal.

On the other hand (In contrast? I'm not sure.), I hear messages about finding blessings in the mundane work of everyday life, and I know that's good too. Ann Voskamp has a book, One Thousand Gifts, and she wonders, 'How do we find joy in the midst of deadlines, debt, drama, and daily duties?' (I have not read the book, but I got the quote from Amazon. :-)) Is this what I need to focus on? Where am I being led? God, I'm quite literal and dense, so puh-lease s-p-e-l-l it out for me.


I don't think, like I suppose some people do : "Are you doing enough?" I feel I'm doing enough for where I am now. (In fact, every day life is cleaning my clock.) I DO think, "Are you courageous enough?" Gandhi famously said, "If Christians would really live according to the teachings of Christ, as found in the Bible, all of India would be Christian today." This. Kills. Me. For me to follow Christ takes courage more than doing. 


When I was on the side of agnosticism and didn't want to be there, I broke it down. What do I know to be true? It's certainly not houses, cars, jobs, and school. Never anything I could touch or receive worldly recognition for. Some of those things have their certain value, I suppose. What is true is loving people and loving all of God's creation. This is the nub of life. 


I am not an intuitive who sees God in every green light and crossword puzzle. (I'm not trying to be condescending; I'm telling it like it is. I would much rather be an intuitive.) God has to beat me over the head with a skillet to speak to me, I think. But when He beats, He beats hard. Kinda like this. (Always Looney Tunes ftw.) 


I stink at praying, and I stink at reading the Bible. I am most certainly not worthy to comment on the workings of God. And yet, sometimes, I wonder if it's not Him who calls the ridiculous and says, "'Yeah, you.' Silly. I'm talking to you." (Sixteen Candles,  also ftw.  He works through my movie trivia. ;))


Is God asking me to be Voskamp or Katie material?  Perhaps they're not mutually exclusive. Either way, it'll be good. So, I plug, swim, run, bike, wife (yes, it's a verb), and parent along and wait because something is there. I feel it.  


D-E-spite me, God is good. He really is, and THAT'S another thing I know to be true. 


(Didja notice each consecutive paragraph got shorter? I did. Not intentional, but kinda interesting. :))

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. ~Elie Wiesel